It Might Get Messier

And it certainly will at some point. The question is, are we at that point? And the short answer is—I have no frickin’ idea. The past few days, I’ve been feeling really crappy. But in a kind of generic, nonspecific, can’t really pinpoint particular symptoms, kind of way. Which, oddly, makes the prospect of ill health more frightening than if there was something identifiable and specific to trigger concern. That’s because I have so many areas of cancer loci in my lungs and chest cavity that I’m not going to die from one or two high-powered tumors. Rather, at some point, the entire malignant mess will get its collective shit together and start robbing my physiology of important components of life.

I saw the oncologist yesterday, and we put together a package of diagnostics to try to get  handle on what the hell is going on. Friday I’ll get blood drawn, Monday have a CT scan, and a couple days later meet with the oncologist to discuss the radiologist’s report. If I continue to feel generally icky without particular things getting specifically worse, the conclusion may be ugly. Although as oncologist Dr. T points out, it’s been 6 months since my last chemotherapy infusion, which in theory means it should be as effective if applied again. Of course, it hammered the shit out of me itself and left me repeatedly hospitalized. But it did indeed knock back the cancer. So things aren’t necessarily totally dark even under worst-case conditions.

But we’ll just have to see. For this week and next, I’m just going to update this weblog with brief notes and progress reports. After we get through the radiology, I’ll go back to the more illuminating and interesting presentation format. For the moment, I thank you all for being here with me. With a little luck, I may be with you for at least a while longer!