It Might Get Messy

There are two things I’ve learned about cancer. One is that having it takes your dignity, chops it up, and pumps it right out of the meat grinder and into the nearest sausage. It has slowly occurred to my consciousness that my cancers might well be punishment by the gods for my being so damned self-confident all my life. I can see the discussion now, round table packed with various gods and subgods: “This one, this Ludwig guy. Always laughing, awfully sure of himself, never doubts himself even when he’s so frickin’ far off base that he risks being dunked into the Bronx River. He needs to be taken down a notch or two. Throat, tongue, and parotid gland cancer it is.” Hammers the gavel. “Next case!” 

The other thing is that cancer is a long-haul deal, whether you’re cured and in remission, having a relapse, or just fighting the battle with the malignancy. Nothing happens fast. Pain runs through the entire process. Making it a VERY long haul. Oh. And your immune system is intensely compromised, making you susceptible to whatever “bug” is going around at any particular moment. 

This week returned from the beach. Made the trip home without incident and even without nausea/vomiting. Then the next day was miserable. I was leaking mucuous from every place mucous could possibly leak from. As soon as I took my evening meds, I vomited in the messiest and grossest way possible. Today I am running a fever, although precisely what that fever is is hard to tell, since I have to take it under my arm. And this is happening while I’m eating two giant doses of Cipro every day, which presumably means my illness is virus-driven. And that it’s the same thing Jesse and several others in the beach house had. 

In addition, my throat now hurts and is running bright red blood into my mouth and presumably down my gut. So we’re being judicious with the Lovinox, which is intended to prevent a blood clot in my lungs from turning into instant death.

Yeah, if it ain’t one thing, it’s another.

On the plus side, I’m routinely getting six 250 ml cartons of food in per day, and my weight has finally climbed above 190. That’s a start to healing. I just wish my throat would stop aching. I’d FEEL more like I was getting better. 

Anyway. The few days at the beach were phenomenal, convincing me that I’m not too disgusting, exhausted, or physically impaired to function in the real world. My food was a little more erratic than usual, I have to watch that. But all in all, the beach trip was worth every minute of nausea on the ride down to Hatteras. 

Now I’m trying to get back to a routine of at least light exercise, hiking and taking photographs. But since I’m still sick with this virus and my throat issues, it’s difficult. At least I finished a nice piece of cut paper art—a tiger barb with all the scales cut to shape. Now I’m starting on a big southeast Asian butterfly. This paper cut stuff is pretty addictive. If I recall (and if I were you, I wouldn’t trust my recollection for the paper it might be printed on) when Matisse was crippled with arthritis and could no longer paint, he turned to paper cutting, and said he wished he’d found the technique earlier in his career. 

No, I am NOT comparing my shit to Matisse’s. But the concept is there. So at least I’ve got a respectable provenance. 

Anyway. The last couple of beach photos are below. That’s a ground skink, a tiny lizard that lives in the leaf litter and eats ants, spiders, pretty much anything it can stuff into that little maw. 

I am working hard to get back into the weekly writing routine. However, I'm still too weak to punch in the time clock this week. So, the rest of this weblog empire will not be refilled this week. However, check in next week. By next Sunday night (a week from today) I'll fill in around the weblog horn: http://docviper.livejournal.com/ , http://theresaturtleinmysoup.blogspot.com/ , http://sustainablebiospheredotnet.blogspot.com/,  and the professional blog at www.aehsfoundation.org (check lower left and click through to blog pages). And don’t forget Dr. Crossley’s wild west weblog at ccrossley.typepad.com/ . 

Love to everybody, more update next week. Thanks, everyone, especially the crowd at the beach for putting up with me, propping me up when I was too weak to move, helping me cook when I was too sick to do it. That was an important step in my “recovery” (in quotes because we have no idea if the treatments succeeded), physically but especially psychologically. Thanks again!